Why Beard?

Posted: November 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Another poem post?

Well, kind of…

CONTEXT: May, 2012

Rather than put an explanation here, I think I will connect through to where I have already explained it.

It isn’t the BEST parody of Why Art? ever done. (That would be Nathanael Larochette’s ‘Why Fart?) But it was still pretty epic.

But, now, I am going to include the cam-footage of the blessed event.

Why Beard?

I heard asked,
“Why Beard?”
At first I couldn’t
Understand the question
As Why Beard sounded
To me like
When your ears or
Where your nose.
Then I realized they meant
Why grow a beard eschewing
Razors and having cream.
I think that is the wrong musing.
It should be, “If not for
Beard, why exist?”
Facial protection needs to persist
As people look for a covering,
Something less galling or appalling
Then one of those over-groomed
Chin-strap things.
Whether it is a wizard flow
You bring from an upper lip
And a chine of a devil’s fork
You grow to pretend at
Since we were apes
We knew to not be nude is to be
Covered, furry, shaggy and fuzzy.

So is it beard for beard’s sake?
Life without beard is breezy and chilly.
Clean shaven is childish and silly.
Life grows beard, shows beard.
We stroke it every day,
Admire it in every way.
Beard coats us,
Covers us, disguises us,
Protects us from windburn and
Snow chill and unfettered
Face slaps.
It takes your cheek and
Gives it a sweet caress,
It takes your lip and covers it
In a fuzzy mess.
It takes your chin,
Sprouts your follicles
Until it is full of a curly
Garden of copper and rust
And maybe some moist remnants of lust.

So is it Beard for Life’s sake?
Do beards just get you through the day?
Morning to night just to say
Job well done, its purpose served?
A fuzz for a chin preserved
Like an orangey apeman face
To make up for a receding hairline
One inch at a time.

Beards makes cold cheeks warmer,
And spongier, and even softer!
They can look distinguished
But don’t have to be,
They can be grizzly
But that’s not all they can be.
They can be chaotic and tangly,
Playful and meandering,
Pointing the way ahead
Or growing down the neck
Or thrusting to the sides,
Nowhere to hide
Except behind beards…
But beards expose instead of disguise,
Or is it the other way around?

So is it Life for Beard’s sake?
Do we like to just grow our chops,
To be unique and warm-cheeked,
Loved and be-fuzzed.
Are profiles adorned
With majestic man-fuzz of
History and the promise
Of chin weasels to come?

Beards as adornment
Remember only the outward
Protrusions, ignoring the
Trimmer, shaver, barbers
With razors.
Beards extend from ear
To lip and chin,
Beards show our face
And hide your sins.

Beards are Life
And Lives are Beards.

They cannot be
Artlessly shorn
Like a dwarven version of
Samson as
Gandalf reminds us that
Beards impress, egress,
Flowing and showy.

All that is manly is beard,
No matter whether grown or
Put on with an applique.
A grizzly adams is a beard.
A goatee is a beard.
That little tickle on the
Curve of your cheek,
The nape of your neck,
Or the insides of your
That tells you…

Oh… HE is the ONE-
To ignore beard is to
Ignore wife,
So Why Beard?
I’m afraid I’m going to have to
Start regrowing one.

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