Posted: March 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

I wrote a bunch of haiku when getting ready for a Haiku Death Match a couple of years ago.

It was fun. I was knocked out by Sean O’Gorman.

I am going to put the haiku up one at a time, but all in this post. (Edits, not new posts) as I share them on FB.

Here is the first one…

The first Haiku I wrote when planning to do a Haiku Deathmatch…

(picture me reading it reeeeeaaaaallllllllly slooooooooowwwwwwwlllllly)

The… best… part… of… this
No…. chance… of… time… penalty
For… talking… too… slow

My favourite one… and the best received one.

Your seven is weak!
Sandwiched between sloppy fives!
‘Haiku trash-talking’

I knew that ‘dirty’ haiku won haiku death matches. I also knew that I wasn’t any good at them. So I made fun of myself…

Splashed by mud puddle
All over your new white pants.
My dirty haiku

Brevity or wit?
Sometimes a contradiction
When dealing with slam

Computers are great.
They help with so many things…

Who is nerdier?
Those who write geeky haiku
Or those who listen?

Five, seven, then five
My full worth as a poet
Comes down to three lines

Shameless Haiku death match pandering

So, what will it take
To give me the win, judges?
‘Ain’t too proud to beg!’

All I ask is this:
Get me where I need to go.
OCTranspo sucks

This is one I wrote trying to adapt a saying, and then realized that it ended up as a copy, not an adaptation. Haiku fail.

Don’t get it messed up:
You are not stuck in traffic,
You ARE the traffic

Here is my slam history for the first chunk of years that I was in the thick of it…

The alt once again.
All my work behind the scenes.
Still have the trophy!

Non-slam lingo folk sometimes act impressed at my title.

Uh, it doesn’t mean what it sounds like it means…

I’m called SlamMaster
That must mean I’m really good,
Or maybe anal

Judging my self-worth
By listening to slam scores.
Healthy? You decide.

This one I wrote to advertise the Haiku Death Match. I said it on stage at a CapSlam when Brad was the host.

Correlation check.
Beards: Poetic excellence.
Perfect match! Right Brad?

By day, a G-man.
By night, throws down poetry.
Slam superhero

To win a death match
Tried to write dirty haiku.
I feel so naughty

Everyone joneses
My addiction can hit hard
Mainlining baseball

A trio on a theme…

Welcome to our home,
Ottawa’s Mercury Lounge​
Spoken Word Lives Here

Anyone hungry?
Once we have picked a winner
Let’s all go to Zak’s!

You’ve heard my pitches.
I’m ready to start shilling.
Poetry as ads!

Stepping on landmines,
Palms sweating, mind has gone blank,
Snapping doesn’t help

In case of zombies
Send them to parliament,
see if they notice

Judging poems, like
Dancing about calculus:
Perfectly valid

There is nothing that
Cannot be graphed and measured…
Not that it’s useful.

And now that you’re listening

Two on and two out.
The game is on the line.
Casey’s a choker.

(The next one is for Jeremy Loveday)

Time for election?
If you don’t like candidates
You should run yourself.

Poetry is hard.
Trying to fit the format…

Poetry is hard.

Listen closely
To try and catch errors
Each line is short

Rules are there to break!
Cast off narrow restrictions!
Rebel! And demand more!

Five five five five five
Seven seven seven sev…
Oops, that doesn’t work

You can always spot
Those who are writing haiku –
Counting on fingers

Mumbling to yourself –
Losing reality or

To be or not, uh…
To be or not to be, uh…
I forget the rest

Another ‘haiku’
That pretends to bring wisdom
But is full of shit

Your breath on my neck
Sending shivers down my spine
Playtime or vampire?

I am introvert
Hear me roar! Or just mumble
And look at my hands

If I could do it
All again, I’d do the same
So I’d still meet you

Monty Python quotes
And old comic books. That’s me
Geek on the half-shell

Don’t call me a nerd
Call me socially challenged.
Mostly ‘just call me.’

Life sucks, then you die
Pessimist philosophy
Just fill it with art

I heard asked ‘Why Art?’
Then yadda yadda yadda
Rephrase the question

There are people who
Listen to the Blues and smile.
You’re doing it wrong!

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